Heartbroken.

For the past 2 weeks I have been at church camp. I always value the time of fellowship and worship together, and there always seems to be something that I need to hear from the Lord during camp.

For many many years, I have been a guarder-of-the-heart.  For my whole life, I have been…not-so-skinny. And because of this, I have been judged since the day I walked through the doors of my preschool classroom. Since a young age, I have made it a practice in my life to not judge others, because I know what it feels like to be looked down upon.

Just like most young girls, I started noticing boys. But instead of seeing the physical appearance, I saw the person inside. This continued throughout middle school and high school. My friends would always tell me that I had horrible taste in guys because a lot of them were not very good-looking. I didn’t care. I knew that the person behind the face was a person worthy of spending time with.

Despite this, I have never had someone return this deed. It’s so interesting how differently the minds of men and women are wired. Sometimes I wonder if guys are totally incapable of falling for a girl that isn’t a size 3 waist or isn’t easy to get in bed.  Sometimes you just want to give up hope.

The Friend Zone.
Does anyone else not know what this is? I didn’t know what it was until I got to church camp and one of my friends enlightened me to what it was. Here is the definition according to Abby (and Melissa. 🙂 )

Friend Zone: /n/ the state in which a person is only a friend with a member of the opposite sex.

Haha so that wasn’t a very good definition, but I’ll elaborate.
Basically it means that… say I like a guy, and he and I are good friends. Being in the friend zone means that he feels comfortable enough with me to be a good friend, and he probably doesn’t want to change it. I’ve been in this “friend zone” all of my life. I am always the friend that guys come to to talk about their girl problems or to get relationship advice or to share their deepest secrets with. Up until camp, I had been totally okay with this because it meant that I could get to know the guys I like, in hopes of them seeing past my outer appearance. I always thought that maybe, just maybe, a guy wouldn’t be so shallow that he couldn’t date sometime with bigger hips. I was informed that it’s never good to be in the friend zone because when you’re there, there’s no hope of a romance forming.
I DON’T AGREE. As a Christian (and as a person), I believe that you want to get to know people. At this point in my life, I no longer desire to date around like I wanted to when I was in high school. I’m not saying that when I date, I will marry him; I’m saying that, should I ever have the chance to date, I am looking for qualities I want in a husband. I don’t want to mess with peoples’ emotions and I definitely don’t want mine to be messed with. But I think that in order to know which guys are worthy of dating, you have to be in the friend zone to figure out if they measure up to par.  I mean I already know a lot of the qualities I want in a man, and God is slowly revealing more qualities my husband will have as well.

At this point in my life, I’m so sick of being lonely. I’ve never experienced the love of another. I mean, yes, my family and friends love me, and Jesus loves me SO so much, but it  still feels like there’s something missing. I feel like there’s more that God has in store for me: a man.  A good, loving, sensitive, humorous Christian man. And despite my concerns, I believe that God has that man out there for me. And I will continue to pray that God is preparing his heart for me and my heart for him. I pray that he will be someone I can pray with and that I can joke with and have real conversations with. I pray that he will love me for who I am instead of what I look like. I pray that his heart is softening and that he is praying for me too. I would like for it to happen soon (because if you don’t know me, I’m SUPER impatient) but I know that God’s time is perfect timing.

One more thing.
I am so excited for this coming year at MVNU. I know God has great things in store…. I know that I will do great in my classes and I will love leading a small group and I can’t wait to get back to work at admissions, but there IS something that I’m concerned about.

One of my best friends is transferring to the Naz. And I am super excited because he will LOVE it here. but I guess I’m just insecure that our friendship will deplete once he gets on campus. I don’t want it to come to the point where I see him across a crowded room and just casually wave instead of going up to hug him and talk. I can’t stand the idea of us losing the closeness we have. Just thinking about it is heartbreaking. Maybe I’m overreacting. Maybe this will strengthen our relationship. Who knows? I guess I just need to give it over to God. But if you’re reading this, can you please send up a prayer? 🙂 ❤

Red’s Game tomorrow with the Family. Can’t wait.
I don’t wanna lose the Vision.
I don’t wanna take for Granted
The Heritage of Holiness that has been passed on.
I don’t wanna lose the Fire.
I don’t wanna lose the Glory.
And I long for His Outpouring all across the Land. ❤

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